Sunday message · To My Friend Who Left the Faith series
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Message Summary
In the third message of the series To My Friend Who Left the Faith, Pastor Phillip Santillan turns to Matthew 18:15–35 to ask how we can help people who have experienced church hurt find healing, a restored relationship with God and a place in a local fellowship. In his experience, deep church hurt always affects a person’s relationship with God. His answer rests on a simple truth: Christianity is not about following Christians, but about following Jesus.
Phil admits that when the church began ten years ago, he did not expect it to become a landing place for so many people hurt by churches. Not every story has ended in healing, but he has found that the most helpful responses take their cues from Jesus. Even the familiar promise that where two or three gather in his name, he is among them, sits within instructions for a serious conflict between believers. It is a call to look to Jesus as present and in charge when only he can bring resolution.
Conversations about church hurt often swing between telling people to just forgive, which ignores real pain, and treating the hurt as a new identity. Phil says the first helpful step is to help people recapture a vision of who Jesus is. Just as the answer to sin is Jesus, not legalism that produces people who look like Jesus but have no Jesus, the answer to church hurt is Jesus, his character, promises and teaching. That takes listening; Phil has spent many late nights asking people to tell him more. In a video he shares, Jackie Hill Perry describes how seeing that Jesus loves the church and calls it his bride helped her love it again.
Empathy matters, and Paul urged believers to weep with those who weep. But at some point the conversation must move from a person’s story to God’s story. That is why Jesus follows his teaching on reconciliation with the parable of the unforgiving servant, who received enormous mercy yet would not let it shape how he treated a fellow servant. Phil, a former music major, explains that a musician judges a great piece by the composer’s intent, not by a poor performance. Rather than telling hurt people that churches are full of imperfect people, we help them see how beautiful Jesus and his gospel are, and separate the source of their hurt from the character of God.
Scripture shows a God who loves justice, mercy and humility, and who chooses the brokenhearted and opposes the proud. It shows a Jesus who saved his harshest words for religious people who judged and excluded others, while drawing near to the suffering and marginalized. “Church hurt is real, and it affects people,” Phil says. “But listen, healing is also real.” He reminds listeners that no pastor or congregation can perfect their faith; Jesus is its author and perfecter, and God will use them to point others to him. He closes in prayer that the church would be ambassadors through whom God calls people to return to him.
Questions about Matthew 18 and church hurt
Jesus lays out steps: go to the person privately first, and if he listens, you have won your brother over; if not, take one or two others along; if he still refuses, tell it to the church (Matthew 18:15–17). Pastor Phil notes that Jesus follows this with the parable of the unforgiving servant, so reconciliation is shaped by the enormous mercy we have received.
Pastor Phil says the most helpful responses take their cues from Jesus. Listen first and weep with those who weep, avoiding both ‘just forgive’ and treating the hurt as a new identity. Then help your friend recapture a vision of who Jesus is and separate the source of the hurt from the character of God. Christianity is about following Jesus, not following Christians.
Because a poor performance does not define the music. Pastor Phil, a former music major, says a musician judges a great piece by the composer’s intent, not by a bad performance. Churches are full of imperfect people, but Scripture shows a God who loves justice and mercy, and a Jesus who drew near to the hurting. “Church hurt is real,” Phil says. “But listen, healing is also real.”
