Sunday message · Parenting Fail series
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Message Summary
In the third message of the Parenting Fail series, Pastor Phillip Santillan addresses one thing every parent fails at: grace. He long avoided parenting as a topic, since a recent Gallup study found 31 percent of Americans report having no children. But his struggles as a parent are the struggles all people face, and parents are tempted to think their role gives them slack in living out God’s standards, something non-parents often see more clearly. In some ways, Phil says, gospel-centered living should look the same whether with adults or with our kids.
For Christians, the Bible’s teaching on grace cannot be set aside just because kids are involved. Living in grace can be the greatest influence in helping children understand the gospel, while failing to can become a stumbling block to their relationship with their heavenly Father, and Phil admits that in his own parenting he has at times gotten in the way. So how do we recognize when we have failed to show grace, and what do we do then?
He starts with the gospel, which begins not with our sin but with Genesis 1: God is sovereign, and his plan was to make everything good. Sin brought conflict, for all have sinned (Romans 3:23), but God remains faithful. He laid our sins on Jesus, as Isaiah foretold, and saves us by grace, a gift we cannot take credit for (Ephesians 2:8–9). And God desires to demonstrate his grace through those he gives grace to (Ephesians 5), which for parents means showing it to their kids.
This series is not about how to be a good parent, Phil explains, but about what to do when we miss the mark, a question he wishes someone had answered for him years ago. Discipline is necessary, and grace does not mean keeping kids happy. Failing at grace means letting anger, rather than grace, lead how we treat our kids. Citing a pastor who traces anger to the perception that something is owed to us, Phil describes its toll on our health and on our spiritual lives. Paul warns not to let the sun go down while we are still angry (Ephesians 4), and Jesus says to be reconciled before offering a gift at the altar (Matthew 5).
The pathway from anger to grace is forgiveness and repentance. Forgiveness is not an emotion but a decision to close the account on what we think someone owes us; it benefits the forgiver, and we forgive as God through Christ has forgiven us (Ephesians 4:32). When we fail, we confess. Repentance, which one pastor calls the one thing parents do that Jesus never did, teaches children that we value God’s glory over our own, even when reconciliation is not possible. The same holds in every relationship, so Phil asks whom we need to forgive and to whom we need to repent. “The gospel is not just God’s grace to us, but it’s God’s grace through us.” He challenges everyone to demonstrate that grace to their kids and everyone in their spheres of influence.
